


jared in the bathroom

by theatrix_queen



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't worry, F/F, Gay, Internal Monologue, Jared is insecure, Like lots of pining, M/M, Pining, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, So much angst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, That's literally all this is, alana and zoe are worried, and just lots of tw in general, bc it is, bc screw you thats why, have i mentioned that this is a happy ending, i'll update soon i promise but writer's block is a bitch, it's real gay friends, like so slow, no one is straight, pining!jared, sincerely three, there's a lot of angst, this fic is just jared's internal monologue, tw for use of the f-slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-02-17 02:54:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13067613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theatrix_queen/pseuds/theatrix_queen
Summary: It all started with the first party of their freshman year of college.Evan had been quite opposed to the idea. Evan did not like parties. Jared, on the other hand, didn’t see the point. Nah, not when he could be chugging a bottle of whiskey alone in his dorm room and sobbing.Anyway, the party. The party that Evan had said he really didn’t wanna go to. Jared was fine with that. Another weekend of crying himself to sleep with the heavy buzz of alcohol was fine by him. But then Evan found out that Connor was going, and then Evan was going, and Jared was getting dragged along.Which was all fine and dandy. Until Evan ran into Connor, and with liquid courage, finally got the nerve to jump his bones, and then Evan didn’t need Jared as a wingman anymoreWhich meant that Jared was alone.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi
> 
> this was supposed to be an angsty oneshot with a sad ending but uh
> 
> here we are
> 
> it was originally just an unrequited kleinsen fic, but i live for sincerely three so here ya go
> 
> enjoy

It all started with the first party of their freshman year of college.

 

Evan had been quite opposed to the idea. After all, it was a party. Evan did _not_ like parties. Jared, on the other hand, was pretty chill with them. He didn’t _love_ them. He just didn’t see a reason as to why he would leave his warm bed to get drunk and grind against random strangers. Nah, not when he could be getting chugging a bottle of whiskey alone in his dorm room and sobbing.

 

Where was he?

 

Right, the party.

 

The party that Evan had said he really didn’t _wanna go Jared, please don’t make me go, it’s not my scene, no JaredIreallydon’twannagopleaseno._

 

And Jared was fine with that. Another weekend of crying himself to sleep with the heavy buzz of alcohol was fine by him.

 

But then.

 

But then Evan found out that _Connor’s going and I’ll, and I’ll finally get up the nerve to confess my undying love to him, please Jared yougottacomewithme._

 

Well. That’s not _exactly_ what he said, but you get the gist.

 

And then Evan looked at him with those _damn blue eyes_ , and his _stupid shy smile_ , and.

 

And how the hell was Jared supposed to say no to that?

 

So that is how Jared Kleinman found himself at the biggest party of the fall. And he promised Evan that he would stay by Evan’s side, that he wouldn’t leave him, _don’t worry, Tree Kink, I won’t let the popular kids devour you alive._

 

Which was all fine and dandy.

 

Until.

 

Until Evan ran into Connor, and with liquid courage, finally got the nerve to jump his bones, and then Evan didn’t need Jared anymore, because _really Jared, I’m fine now, you don’t have to hang around me anymore._

 

Evan had looked at him with those _stupid stupid eyes_ that were dilated, but not because of Jared, and lips flushed red while Connor waited behind him, and.

 

And that meant that Evan didn’t want him there.

 

Which meant that Jared was alone.

 

Which meant that instead of getting drunk alone in his dorm room and sobbing, Jared was now drunk alone in some random bathroom in some random apartment and sobbing.

 

Fantastic.

 

Looking at him, one wouldn’t think that he was a crier. Most people would probably guess that he had never cried in his life.

 

Oh, how wrong they were.

 

The thing is that Jared also would’ve pegged himself to be a stone cold asshole that never cried. It made sense, right? But no. Studies had shown that he was definitely a crier. Jared had figured this out through much research and collecting data, like the fact that Evan doesn’t care about him at all, _goddammit Jared stop crying._

 

So here he was. In the bathroom. Alone. At a party. Too drunk to make it back to his dorm.

 

Alone at a party, because Evan left him. Or rather, Evan told Jared to leave Evan, because Evan was much too polite to leave someone himself.

 

Jared shouldn’t have come. But he did.

 

Why?

 

Because of Evan. Stupid Evan. Stupid, stupid, dumb, asshole Evan, who had blue eyes that lit up the sky, and a timid smile that could fuel an RV, and a bubbly laugh that sounded like sparkles look.

 

Maybe Evan wasn’t the stupid one.

 

Maybe the stupid one was Jared.

 

Maybe it was stupid Jared that didn’t know how to socialize, or convey feelings, or exist in general. Maybe it was him that was the asshole. Maybe it was because he spent years telling Evan that their friendship was all because Jared needed car insurance.

Jared was stupid.

 

He was stupid for pining after his best friend. Not family friend, best friend. Not his only friend, but still the best one. Not that he didn’t love Zoe and Alana (and yes, even Connor), but. Evan would always be the best person in his life.

 

And Jared was so dumb, so stupid, because he would never be the best person in Evan’s life. No matter what. He wasn’t nice, he didn’t listen, all he did was open his big mouth and talk over the poor boy’s pitiful attempts to speak up. Jared would forever be Evan’s asshole sidekick that didn’t deserve his friends.  
  
Jared didn’t deserve anybody.

 

He didn’t deserve to be loved, he didn’t deserve to have a friend like Evan. Or Alana, or Zoe, or Connor, or anyone. He would never deserve Evan. Evan was a blessing to this world. And Jared was not.

 

Jared didn’t deserve love. Love was for people who were kind, who put others first, for people who wanted to get better, even if they’re struggling. Love was for people who cared.

 

Jared couldn’t find it in himself to care.

 

He couldn’t really find it in himself to do much lately. He could drink, and he could cry. There wasn’t any motivation to do anything else.  
  
It was stupid. _Jared_ was stupid.

 

He wasn’t mentally ill. He didn’t have a disorder, he wasn’t clinically diagnosed. He was just some depressed asshole who was overreacting.

 

Jared was overreacting. He must’ve been. Because he didn’t have a mental disorder, yet he was struggling so much. It was just him being dramatic. That’s all. Nothing too important.

He vaguely wondered how Evan would react to his inner monologue. He pathetically hoped that Evan would care.

 

Jared startled when there was a knock on the door. He curled into a ball.

 

_Look at you, pathetic. Crying on the floor of a bathroom like a dirty fag._

 

Another knock.

 

 _Please no_ , he thought weakly.

 

Tears dripped down his chin. He sniffled.

 

 _Bang_.

 

He shouldn’t have come.

 

 _Bang_.

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

_Clang._

 

Dear God, he couldn’t _breathe_.

 

 _Clang_.

 

He stumbled to the sink, shaking.

 

 _Splash_.

 

Water. Coolness.

 

Calm?

 

No.

 

But good enough.

 

Jared moved to open the door.

 

But there wasn’t knocking anymore.

 

Jared really shouldn’t have come.

 

He shouldn’t be here.

 

He shouldn’t be in general.

 

He shouldn’t exist.

 

He didn’t _want_ to exist.

 

Jared choked on a sob, thinking that this train of thought was _not_ healthy and that maybe he should call someone. Evan and Connor were clearly busy.

 

Alana. She would comfort Jared. Right?

 

Maybe.

 

Jared tried not to think about how much he didn’t deserve her, and shakily pulled out his phone.

 

_Ring, ring, ring._

 

“Jared?”

 

The concerned way she said his name had him choking back a sob.

 

“Jared? Hello?”

 

He hung up.

 

He didn’t want to bother her anymore than he already was.

Jared didn’t know how long he sat there.

 

A minute, an hour, a day, he couldn’t tell. All he could feel was the pressure of a headache behind his eyes, and a dull ache in his chest.

 

He fell asleep at some point, and the world fell away into a dull gray.

 

That is, until he heard the frantic whispers of a familiar voice.

 

Keeping his eyes closed, the distant noise slowly turning coherent, and he realized that it was a female voice speaking.

 

“I don’t know, he just called me at 3:00 am!”

 

“How’d you find him?” Another voice chimed in. Also female, he noted.

 

“I used that find-your-friends app. He was passed out in the bathroom at the big party that went on last night.”

 

“Was he okay?”

 

“He didn’t look like it. I don’t know if it was just the partying, or if he actually wasn’t okay. He sounded like he was crying on the phone.”  
  
“Oh my god. What do you think--”

 

“Wait, shh, he’s waking up.”

 

Jared, realizing that he had been discovered, opened his eyes. He looked around, taking in the surroundings. He was on a couch in a nice-looking apartment that he recognized as Zoe and Alana’s. He looked up to see the aforementioned girls looking at him, concerned.

 

No, no, that wasn’t good. He couldn’t have people concerned about him, especially not these two saints. He had to lighten the mood, get the attention away from his issues.

 

“So, seems like our favorite pair of pining morons got laid last night.”

 

Alana’s face lit up. “Really?? Oh my god, that’s so awesome! They’re _perfect_ for each other!”

 

 _Perfect_.

 

Evan and Connor really were perfect for each other, weren’t they?. They were both amazing, and they both deserved the world. Jared was well aware that they weren’t perfect, but he sure as hell had a hard time convincing his heart that.

 

 _Perfect_.

 

Zoe was speaking something.

 

 _They belong together_.

 

What was she saying?

 

 _They’re happy_.

 

Her mouth had stopped moving. Why had it stopped moving?

 

 _They don’t need_ **_you_ **.

 

Zoe and Alana were concerned again. That wasn’t good.

 

 _Everyone would be happier if you were gone_.

 

Alana was shaking him now.

 

_They would all be happy if you were dead._

 

Jared felt himself swaying.

 

 _You deserve to be dead_.

 

Alana grabbed his arm.

 

Suddenly, it was like Jared had been doused with ice cold water. Everything came back into focus, and he could hear Alana’s frantic repeating of his name, trying to get him to respond.

 

“Jared? Jared?”

 

Jared blinked. Hard. He looked at Alana, whose face was constricted with concern. _No no no, bad bad bad_.

 

Inhale.

 

“Hi,”

 

Alana breathed out a long, heavy breath. Zoe came to sit next to him, rubbing circles on his back.

 

“Jared,” Zoe inquired softly, still rubbing his back. “Are you alright?”

 

And Jared. Just.

 

Broke.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo thanks for coming back
> 
> im glad you're here
> 
> welcome to the world of angst
> 
> have fun

Evan didn’t mean to leave Jared behind, he really didn’t.

 

At least, that’s what Evan told Jared the next time he saw him, that Wednesday.

 

He was just so excited about Connor, and _Jared, he’s my_ boyfriend _, oh my god he’s my boyfriend Jared just wow canyoubelievethat?_

 

Jared could believe that.

 

Because Evan and Connor were perfect for each other.

 

And Jared was not.

 

After spilling his guts to Alana and Zoe, he had run out of their apartment like it was on fire.

 

Surely, they wouldn’t want to ever speak with him again. Now, they had seen what a horrible mess he was, and now, he would be lucky if they so much looked in his direction, let alone still loved him.

 

Did they ever love him?

 

For some, stupid reason, Jared really wished the answer was yes.

 

Jared often wondered if Connor would ever love him.

 

Sure, he had been pining after Evan since the fifth grade, but there was no chance of Evan ever loving him back.

 

No. No way.

 

But Connor, Connor was different.

 

Despite certain disagreements, Connor and Jared were very similar. At least, Jared hoped so. He hoped that there was someone else who knew what he was feeling. And he really really hoped that someone was Connor.

 

Because Connor was a wreck at one point, he had been a terrible person, beyond repair.

 

But, the Connor that Jared had come to know was, indeed, repaired.

 

Jared wondered how he did it.

 

The Connor that Jared had come to know was kind, intelligent, funny, gentle. And also, like, hella gorgeous. That was important too.

 

But Connor couldn’t love him. Because Connor already loved Evan. And Evan was, well, _Evan_.

 

It was Tuesday, and Jared still hadn’t seen or heard from Zoe and Alana. They hadn’t tried to see him. He found himself checking his phone every two minutes in search of a concerned text that would never come.

 

Their group usually went to lunch on Tuesday.

 

Zoe and Alana didn’t show.

 

So, there Jared was, sitting in a booth in the back corner of McDonald’s, across from the two most beautiful boys in the world, watching them fall slowly more in love with each other.

 

He wasn’t jealous. Really, he wasn’t. In fact, he enjoyed watching them together. They were the most adorable couple in the world, in his humble opinion.

 

But that was just it. They were a _couple_.

 

And Jared would never be a part of their super awesome relationship.

 

At some point, they started kissing, completely forgetting that Jared was there. He stupidly wished that he could be a part of it.

 

Jared slipped out of the booth silently, trudging to the bathroom.

 

As he was washing his hands, he looked into the mirror. What he saw made his lips curl in disgust. Which was pretty pathetic, considering that all he saw was himself.

 

He was pathetic.

  
He was disgusting.

 

He deserved pain.

 

He _needed_ pain.

 

Jared remembered his pocket knife. Hesitating just a bit, he reached into his pocket. Holding the the knife up to his arm, he wondered why he was doing this.

 

 _Cutting in a Mcdonald’s bathroom. New low, Jared._  
  
He became aware of himself shaking. Violently. He was on the floor, when did he sit down? He looked down and saw blood dripping off of his wrist. When had the knife made contact? He felt nothing.

 

Then there was another cut, and two more. And then he was standing, and putting a paper towel on his wrist to stop the blood, and then he was walking out of the bathroom with a grin on his face.

 

When he arrived at the booth, Evan (who was done sucking Connor’s face) gave him a smile, and it made Jared’s heart hurt, because he was so _happy_ , Connor made Evan happy, why couldn’t Jared do that, and then tears were blurring Jared’s vision and he was desperately trying to blink them away. Grinning madly to hide his stinging eyes, he slid into his seat.

 

But despite his best efforts, a tear managed to roll down his cheek, and he didn’t wipe at it, just tried to pretend that it wasn’t there, but then Connor and Evan were looking at him like they were concerned, and _no no no, bad bad bad_.

 

And then there were tears sliding down Jared’s cheeks, and he was choking on stupid fucking noises trying to escape his throat, and.

 

And suddenly Evan was next to him, gently placing a hand on his arm, and it was that feeling of being doused in cold water again.

 

Jared audibly gasped, and he felt Evan jump next to him. And he heard Evan’s voice, and he saw Connor’s concerned eyes, and, “Jared, what’s wrong??”

 

And Jared just.

 

Tore out of there.

Just.

Nope.

 

 

Jared had resigned himself to his dorm. Besides classes, there wasn’t ever a need to leave, so.

 

He didn’t have anybody anymore.

 

Surely, after everything, they would never ever want to look at his disgusting face again.

 

It had been a week, and none of them had texted, none of them had called. He spent ungodly amounts of time staring at his phone, almost daring it to vibrate.

  
It never did.

 

So they really didn’t care then.

 

That was fine.

 

Totally, completely fine.

  
That means that no one would cry at his funeral.

 

Good. He didn’t deserve their tears.

 

Awesome.

Great.

Cool.

 

 

_Don’t be a pussy._

 

_Don’t chicken out._

 

_Just swallow._

 

There Jared sat, drunk, on his bed, on a Friday night, the second week of solitude. He kept repeating this mantra in his head.

 

Shaking, he raised the bottle to his lips. A glass of water was in his other hand, to make the pills go down easier.

 

He took a deep breathe in.

 

Now or never.

 

He prepared himself, and then the pills were in his mouth and being swallowed.

 

And then the world was dark.

 

\--

 

Evan doesn't know what he did wrong.

 

He doesn’t know what he did to make his childhood best friend feel so alone, so hopeless, so.

 

So much like how Evan used to feel.

 

He remembers telling Jared about how he broke his arm. Jared didn’t stop crying for at least two hours afterwards. And even after that, Jared’s eyes were on and off leaking tears for several more hours after that. It took a week for Jared to be normal again. Evan still wonders when Jared began to care so much.

 

When Evan heard that Jared was in the hospital, he automatically assumed he had done something stupid, like eating a bath bomb, or trying to do a skateboard trick when he hadn’t ever skated before in his _life_. (Evan still can’t get over that incident.)

 

But.

 

But when he heard what actually happened, what Jared had actually tried to do, he.

 

Just.

 

Stopped.

 

Functioning.

  
  


 

 

 _Because it didn’t make_ **_sense_ ** _._

 

Jared wasn’t suicidal, he couldn’t be. It was impossible. Jared was always grinning, always making jokes, always purposefully annoying the crap out of Evan, how could he--?

 

His roommate had discovered him.

 

Evan was kind of bitter about that.

 

Because it was Jared’s stupid roommate, who Jared _hated_ , who didn’t _know_ Jared, and Evan was stupidly bitter for no reason.

 

Evan should’ve seen the signs.

 

Because Jared had stopped talking to them after running out on them that one time, and Evan should’ve _known_ , he should’ve been able to tell, but he _didn’t_ , and Evan. Just. He should’ve known.

He should've tried to contact Jared, reach out to him, but  _no, don't worry, Connor. He'll talk to us when he's ready. Tell Zoe and Alana not to talk to him either, alright? He hasn't called us because he isn't ready to interact with people._

Evans should have _realized_.

 

 

They sat in a circle in the waiting room on the second floor. Silent. Nobody said a word.

 

Not.

 

A.

 

Sound.

 

“Jared,” The first word spoken. Alana. “Jared, he- he--”

 

“We know what he did, Alana.” The harsh words ripped out of Connor’s mouth, cutting through the air like a knife.

 

Alana winced, muttering a quiet apology.

 

Connor didn’t look good. And that was saying something, especially coming from Evan.

 

His hair was greasy and unbrushed, his clothes were days old, and his eyes were rimmed with red. Evan reached over, rubbing his back. Connor melted back into his touch, and turned around to grip Evan tightly. When wet started leaking through his shirt, he realized that Connor was crying.

 

Zoe and Alana weren’t much better. Zoe’s face was stone cold, angry. She looked like she could punch the universe for allowing this to happen. Seeing that expression was Zoe was one of the scariest things Evan had ever seen.

 

When he looked over at Alana, she was staring at the ground, moving her lips quietly, not saying a word. She looked like she had failed.

 

And Evan, well.

 

He didn’t know anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jared's a pining lil babe and evan is regretful
> 
> don't worry you'll get connor's pov at some point in time (and DEFINITELY alana (maybe zoe?? idk how to write her tho))
> 
> i think
> 
> fun fact: when i went to check the word count on this chapter i accidentally looked at the number of characters which was like 7,000 somethin and i was so confused
> 
> also idk how often this'll update? maybe like once a week? we'll see


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> (its technically not christmas anymore, but im on vacation so it doesn't stop being christmas until i come back, humor me)
> 
> damn when did this get so dark
> 
> i swear it was supposed to be a one-chapter kinda thing, but uh.
> 
> also i feel like i'm not writing jared's character completely accurately? like i'm almost there but just missing the mark. idk
> 
> here ya gooooo

Jared woke up cold. Wherever the hell he was, it was freezing, and he didn’t want to be there.

 

And then came the headache. 

 

And then came the memories.

 

And then, Jared was empty.

 

If anyone had been in the room, they would have seen him physically deflate into his hospital bed.

 

He had failed.

 

_ He had failed _ .

 

Goddammit, Jared was still alive.

 

He really wished that wasn’t true.

  
  


A nurse came in soon after he awoke, telling him he was on suicide watch. 

 

_ Great. _

 

She gave him a general check up, and then asked if he was up to see the visitors waiting for him.

 

What.

 

He had people waiting for him? Why?

 

Did he want to find out who? Sure. Why not.

 

When they came in, he decided that he was wrong. The group looked, well, to put it nicely-- _ terrible _ .

 

“What, did someone die?” The first words out of his big mouth. _ Dammit, Jared. _

 

Zoe and Connor both looked ready to kill him. Jared didn’t blame them. He was ready to kill himself too.

 

Alana made a choked noise that made Jared’s gut twist painfully. And Evan, well. Evan looked more lost than Jared had ever seen him.

 

Nobody said anything.

 

Jared forced a grin.

 

“No need to be so serious, guys! Chill, it’s not like something terrible happened--” Everyone interrupted him at once.

 

“Of course something terrible happened!”

 

“Are you actually fucking with me right now?”

 

“What happened to your arms?” 

 

Well. Everyone except Evan. He said nothing.

 

Jared flinched at the sudden outburst of noise. He looked up at Connor, confused. “What’s wrong with my arms?” He looked down at his arms, and sure enough, they were wrapped in several layers of gauze.

 

Oh.

 

Over the couple weeks spent in solitude, cutting became a bit of a…  _ habit _ .

 

“Uh…”

 

“Jared,” Alana’s voice was shaking. “Please don’t tell me you--”

 

“And what if I did?” Jared snapped. “What if I did try to off myself and I did cut my arms up to the point where I’ll never get rid of the scars? What would you do? What would  _ any _ of you do about that?”

 

Silence. 

 

Just. So much silence. It was unbearably loud, suffocating each and every one of them.

 

Jared stared at his hands, refusing to look at any of them.

 

Until he heard something other than the sound of silence.

 

Crying. No, not just crying.  _ Weeping _ . Jared looked up.

 

Evan.

 

Evan was weeping. Loud, terrible sobs that wracked his whole body. He was making wailing noises and whimpering and snot was dripping down his face and he was shaking his head and he was crying harder than Jared had ever seen him before. 

 

“Jared,” He said, stumbling forward to grip the hospital bed. “Jared,” He repeated. And then there were warm arms wrapping around him and Jared was stunned. Stunned because he didn’t think he meant this much to Evan. 

 

With wide eyes, he looked at the rest of them.

 

Zoe and Alana were gripping each other tightly; Alana was crying silently, Zoe was clearly holding back tears.

 

He and Alana made eye contact, and they both mouthed  _ I’m sorry _ at the same time, and then Jared had the hint of a smile on his face. And then his gaze shifted over, and.

 

And Connor had tears rolling his cheeks.    
  
Jared had never seen him cry before. But there Connor was, looking utterly defeated, with a flood of tears coming from his eyes and.

 

And Jared just.

 

Broke.

 

\--

 

After Jared got out of the hospital, Alana didn’t let him out of her  _ sight _ .

 

Maybe she was being paranoid, but. 

 

She just. Couldn’t lose Jared. 

 

Nope. Not happening.

 

She had him stay at their apartment. He wasn’t allowed in the kitchen by himself, because. 

 

Well. Knives.

 

He was on antidepressants. Alana made sure that he took them. She would check once, twice, three times to make sure he didn't forget.

 

If he stayed in his room for too long, she would knock until he opened the door. If he stayed outside of the house for too long, Alana would call and call and call until he picked up. 

 

And if he didn’t, well. 

 

Good thing Zoe could calm Alana down from an anxiety attack.

 

Yeah, Alana was probably paranoid.

 

She just couldn’t lose Jared. She  _ couldn’t _ .

  
Back when the group was first getting together, he invited her in. He made sure that she knew she wasn’t alone. He was the one who she would call during an attack, he was the one who would call her at midnight when he was craving adventure. He was the reason that she was dating Zoe.

 

He was the reason she was still alive.

 

Because once, long ago, she stood on a bridge, looking down on a roaring river, and then Jared was there, and then she was crying, and he was hugging her, and if they both weren’t so gay, that would’ve been the most cliche love story ever.

 

And Jared had been stood over his metaphorical bridge, but Alana hadn’t been there, and Jared had jumped, and she had failed him, and then she was breathing heavily, and  _ oh god oh god oh god. _

 

At least Jared humored her. She didn’t think she could deal if he had argued.

 

Alana just. Couldn’t lose Jared.

 

Nope. Not happening.

  
  


Evan and Connor came by a lot. 

 

Alana didn’t miss the way he reacted whenever he saw them. It was a flood of emotions, one at a time, each flickering in his eyes for an instant before onto the next within a matter of a second. His eyes would light up, then dim, then settle on a heavy, bittersweet medium that left Alana wondering when Jared became this timid.

 

Because that’s what he was. Timid.

 

Whenever he spoke, it was in short phrases and mild tones and it was loaded with gray, muddled colors. Alana had never heard Jared speak in gray before. He always spoke in bright, warm colors. At his most aggressive state, he spoke in loud reds. At his most quiet, a strong yellow. Orange was the Jared that Alana had come to know. Jared’s voice was orange. 

 

But yet, Jared spoke in soft grays. Especially around Evan.

 

He didn't look Evan in the eye, almost like he didn't think he was worthy of him. He spoke in a gray so pale it was almost white, and Evan went to Alana multiple times to get back the old Jared. Because even if that Jared could be a bit much, anything was better than this new, gray, blob of a person.

 

Once, when Evan wasn’t with Connor, Alana heard Jared’s voice reach up to a pale yellow. That was the most himself he’d been, since.

 

Well, since the party.

 

Jared had told Alana and Zoe everything, his love for Evan and Connor, how sometimes he felt like the world wasn’t real, like  _ he _ wasn’t real, and every word out of his mouth had broken Alana’s heart.

 

But then Jared left, and Alana told Zoe that he would come back when he was ready, he just needed time.

  
Zoe had tried to tell her how that tactic never worked. Alana didn’t listen.

  
But  _ god _ , she should’ve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okokokokokok
> 
> idk what to put here
> 
> Merry Christmas
> 
> Happy Holidays if you don't celebrate Christmas.
> 
> I hope your Holidays have been and will continue to be spectacular =D
> 
> fun fact: i got the deh book for Christmas this morning and i am sO HAPPY YOU HAVE NO IDEA OK ITS SO GREAT AND IM SO THANKFUL FOR IT OK IT JUST HAS ME IN A GOOD MOOD I LOVE YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE HAVE A GREAT LIFE DONT BE STUPID OR MAKE BAD DECSIONS


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lowkey really like this chapter, sooo

Connor was in  _ love _ .

 

Like, head over heels, in  _ love _ .

 

Like, would literally eat the sun for,  _ love _ .

 

Connor was in love, head over heels, would literally eat the sun for, with Evan Hansen.

 

He would do anything for Evan Hansen. Anything to make him happy.

 

So, when Evan asks Connor if Jared can move in with them for a bit, Connor only has a moment of hesitation.

 

Not that he doesn’t care about him and his mental health, but. Jared is, well,  _ Jared _ . 

 

Except that he wasn’t. 

  
Well, not anymore. 

 

Not since Jared’s attempt.

 

No, before that. 

 

Not since their lunch together.

 

No, before that too.

 

When did Jared stop being Jared?

 

It was around the time of the party, around the time when Connor and Evan had gotten together.

 

_ Wait. _

 

Did Jared have a problem with them being together?

 

Because if he did,  _ Connor was going punch that son of a bitch so hard that he would ascend to the astral realm-- _

 

No.

 

Be rash about this.

 

Don’t. Go. Crazy.

 

_ Breathe _ .

 

Think. Why would Jared be upset about them getting together? 

 

Homophobic? Nah. Jared was gay, wasn’t he?   
  


Over protective? Maybe. But Jared seemed like the kind of guy who would joke about being protective, not the kind of guy who would actually be bothered by his friend having a significant other.

 

_ Jealous _ ? It’s possible. But what would Jared be jealous of? Maybe he’s jealous of Evan’s ability to get a boyfriend? 

 

_ Maybe he’s jealous of Evan? _

 

Oh god.

 

Did.

 

Did Jared like Connor?

 

Oh my god.

 

_ Oh my god. _

 

Now it all made sense.

 

Why Jared looked at Evan weird, why he laughed so much around Connor, why he was so upset that one time they had lunch.

 

What.

 

What was Connor supposed to do in this situation? Did he just ignore it? Did he talk to Evan?

 

Was he even comfortable living in the same apartment as Jared after having this knowledge?

 

Connor didn’t know.

 

But, because it was Evan who asked, Connor said yes. 

 

And so, Jared moved in with them. 

 

Which was, just.

 

Oh god. 

 

\--

 

Connor had been acting weird lately.

 

Jared doesn’t know why.

 

Ever since he had moved away from his dorm and in with them, Connor had barely said a word to him. 

 

What did he do wrong?

 

He must’ve done something wrong. 

  
  
  


Living with the people he was madly in love with was kind of amazing, kind of embarrassing, kind of disheartening, a lot frustrating. 

 

Kind of amazing because of times when they would stay up late playing mario kart and eating pizza, and Jared didn’t feel like a third wheel, he felt like a friend.

 

Kind of embarrassing because of times when he would walk into the kitchen at 3:00 am wearing boxers and a too-small t-shirt, all too aware of his muffin top, and make awkward eye contact with Connor, who was also wearing boxers, sans-t shirt, and then his face would get red because  _ oh my god he’s so hot and I’m the ugliest person I know why does this happen to me. _

 

Kind of disheartening because of times when he would walk into the living room on a Sunday morning and find Connor and Evan fast asleep, cuddling together like the rest of the world wasn’t there, and  _ oh god they’re so cute I love them so much, why can’t I snuggle with them like that. _

 

A lot frustrating because of times when he would come back from class and see Evan pressing Connor against the wall, and then Evan was kissing Connor open-mouthed, and then he was pulling Connor’s hair, and Connor was making  _ ungodly _ sounds, and  _ oh my god _ .

 

That scenario happened to Jared  _ way _ too often. It kind of made him wonder how high Evan’s sex drive was, and then he was thinking about Evan, and then he was thinking about Evan having sex, and then about sex  _ with _ Evan, and then he had a  _ problem _ on his hands. (Or,  _ underneath  _ his hands ;D)

 

There was one specific instance when Jared had gone out grocery shopping after class one day. He was actually in a good mood for once. He was walking through the door with a smile on his face, and then he was dropping the bags because  _ o h m y g o d. _

 

Connor and Evan were on the couch, the former pinned underneath the latter, both half naked, tongues down each other’s throats. 

 

A noise that wasn’t quite human came out of Jared’s throat. Luckily, they didn’t hear, as they were a  _ bit _ occupied.  _ Come on Jared, the normal reaction is just to walk away, give them their privacy, don’t say anything dumb-- _

 

“ _ Damn _ Hansen, didn’t take you for the dominant type,”  _ Goddammit Jared _ .

 

Two bodies snapped apart. “ _ Jared! _ ” Evan hissed, almost scoldingly. 

 

Surprisingly, it was Connor who was more embarrassed. He blushed darkly, looking everywhere but Jared and not saying anything. 

 

He forced a grin, despite the pang in his chest, and shrugged. “Sorry,” He said. And even if he didn’t sound sorry, he was. 

 

Because the image of two certain boys would  _ not _ leave his mind, which left him with even  _ more _ problems.

 

_ Fantastic _ .

 

  
And then, there were the bad days.

 

Days when Jared woke up to a gray world. Days where Jared was underwater, where he would float through the day in a haze. 

 

He couldn’t do anything on those days. There was always a dull pounding in his head, one that he could just barely feel, and he felt disconnected. From himself, from the world.

 

Jared hated being disconnected.   
  
It made him feel like nothing mattered. Like his life was worthless.

 

But mostly, it made him feel nothing. 

 

On bad days, Jared would feel nothing.

 

Evan and Connor had bad days too.

 

Days where Evan couldn’t stop apologizing, where he would stutter every two word, where he would sweat so much that you could see it just by looking at him. Days where everything would set Connor off, where he would see red and everything little wrong movement was another straw that added up to him having a screaming match at the end of the day. 

 

But Connor and Evan were better.   
  
They were better than senior year.

 

Jared felt like he had a late start.

 

Because, for Connor and Evan, more days were good than they were bad.

 

But for Jared, more days were bad than they were good.

 

He really was a third wheel, wasn’t he?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a few things to say:  
> -evan tops connor. fight me about it  
> -jared is on antidepressants. he isn't diagnosed with anything yet (primarily bc a good portion of this is me projecting and i haven't been diagnosed with anything sooo)  
> -evan and connor were rooming together before they became a couple, and their apartment is paid for with larry's money  
> -jared moved in with evan and connor bc jared got rlly embarrassed living with alana and zoe bc he's a babe and doesn't feel worthy of them  
> -i think that's all
> 
> fun fact: you look great today ;)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jdsaklfjasfff;sdfasfds
> 
> this is a filler chapter

Contrary to popular belief, Evan was very much so, without a shadow of a doubt, painfully an extrovert. 

 

He just. He needed human interaction. Like, daily. If not, he kind of sort of, shut down. Like, hard core. He stopped speaking, he stopped moving, he stopped thinking. 

  
Evan really just. Needed human interaction.

 

And so, on a day where he’s so sick that he can barely get out of bed, he resigns himself to the mental block that will surely come by the end of the day. 

 

Connor and Jared both had class, and Connor was working the night shift. 

  
Leaving Evan, completely, utterly, alone.

 

His mild depression had died down along with senior year, so it wasn’t that he was feeling bad, like, mentally.

 

It’s just. 

 

_ Evan just really needed human interaction okay _ .

 

So, when his best buddy Jared walked in the door, Evan was praising the Lord.

 

“Hello? I’m h--” Jared’s voice stopped immediately when he saw Evan bundled up on the couch. “Evan, hey.” He spoke just above a whisper, seeming to grow smaller as the words left his mouth.

 

“Jared, oh my god, hallelujah, get over here.” A confused brunet wandered closer to the couch. 

 

“Evan? You alright?”

 

“No, I’m not! I need cuddles.” 

 

Jared’s eyebrows raised in shock. “. . .what?” He asked, voice still quiet.

 

“I need cuddles! I’m an extrovert who has been starved of human interaction, so get over here and cuddle me!”

 

Evan was  _ positive _ that Jared’s face turned a bit red there. 

 

“W-well, uh Connor, Connor should be back soon,” He muttered, entire face red by this point. Evan had never heard him stutter before.

 

“Connor has a late shift tonight. Besides, I don’t want Connor right now, I want  _ you _ !”

 

Jared blinked, blushing even more. Evan couldn’t help but wonder why he was so flustered.

 

“Well, um, uh, oh-okay.”

 

Evan, since he was the taller of the two, scooched back against the couch so Jared could be the little spoon. Evan opened the blankets to him, and Jared awkwardly laid down.

 

Evan started rambling, Jared interjecting at certain points. 

 

And they just stayed like that. For a long time.

 

Such a long time that Evan eventually fell asleep, and Connor walked in the door to see his boyfriend spooning his roomate.

 

Jared, very aware of what the situation looked like, started blushing like crazy and quickly detached himself from the sleeping blond.

 

“Ohmygod Connor I swear it’s not what it looks like, Evan just really needed cuddles for some unknown reason and you weren’t here but I was so he just--” Connor cut him off, laughing quietly.

 

“Jared, it’s fine. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I wouldn’t let Evan cuddle with his childhood best friend? That’s stupid.”

 

Jared, if possible, flushed even more and muttered out a soft, “Cool,” He rolled back and forth on his heels, as if not really sure what to say to forward the conversation. Connor found that odd. Jared always had something to say.

 

And then there was a moment, one that future Connor spends hours looking over and analyzing, wondering how past him could’ve been so oblivious. In which Jared looks back at Evan for what was probably supposed to be a second, but turned into a full thirty seconds of full on creeper staring at the sleeping boy. And Connor, the idiot he was, thought,  _ when did Jared become such a good friend to Evan? _

 

And then the moment was over, and Jared wandered down the hall, leaving Connor to gaze at his boyfriend.

 

Yeah, Connor was really in love. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKOKOKOK I KNOW I KNOW THIS IS THE SHORTEST THING OK ITS SO SHORT IM SORRY
> 
> it was originally going to be wayyyy longer, but the next chapter kinda goes on a very different tangent and i just felt like it didn't really fit with the beginning, but I love this scene so here take it
> 
> fun fact: finals are next and i am s t r e s s e d


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUP YALL
> 
> IM BACK

For the next week, Jared couldn’t stop thinking of the feeling of Evan’s body against his.

 

It was becoming an issue.

 

Because there would be times when Jared would zone out during conversations, thinking about how much taller Evan was than Jared, and how he was surprisingly fit, considering that he never works out, and then Jared was picturing a sweaty Evan who was sweaty because of exercise and not anxiety, and that was a train of thought that was never good.

 

It was even worse when he would get on this train of thought while in a conversation with the object of his fantasies. Jared didn’t think that there was anything more embarrassing than getting snapped out of some kinky sexual fantasy by the person you were fantasizing about.

 

And then there were the dreams.

 

Dreams where Evan would pin him against the wall, where he would pull his hair, where he would touch him, and Jared would _actually_ drink up the attention like he was a thirsty desert soul. He supposed that, in a way, he was.

 

But then he would wake up, hot and uncomfortable, and it would all disappear. Jared tried not to think about the fact that it would never happen. It would never happen because Evan would never love him back. It just wouldn’t make sense for Evan’s character. The blond had known Jared too long to be able to see him romantically, or even sexually.

 

And as for Jared? Well, he had spent that _whole time_ seeing Evan romantically. So.

 

There was something else, too.

 

Something that was probably a bit more serious than an unwanted boner.

 

Jared had relapsed.

 

Jared had relapsed and was again cutting.

 

Jared had been living with Connor and Evan for a week, had relapsed, and was again cutting.

 

This time, it wasn’t his wrists. It was his thighs. Because if it was his thighs, no one would find out.

 

It started because he was having just, the worst day. Nothing in particular to make it bad, it just. Was. A terrible day.

  
He got home late that night to be greeted by the sight of two beautiful boys asleep on the couch. Normally he wouldn’t complain, but on this particular day, it made his heart sink to his stomach.

 

And, well. You can imagine how it progressed from there.

 

However, this time, he didn’t dissociate while cutting. This time, he was fully aware of what he was doing. And _god,_ it hurt like _hell_ .   
  
The physical pain was so much worse than how he remembered, and he couldn’t take it. So, instead of carving deep cuts into his skin, he managed to make four pink lines that looked pretty pathetic in comparison to his arm.

 

However, it felt. Kind of. _Good_.

 

Not good. It hurt.

 

But.

 

There was a part inside of him, one that he had long ago labeled as insane, that liked pain. Wanted it. _Craved_ it.

  
And so, the next day, he added some more pink lines.   


And.

 

Just.

 

Kept.

 

Adding.

 

He carried a hair tie on his wrist that he could snap whenever he saw fit. If he said the wrong thing, if he was too annoying, if he just wanted to, snapping the hair tie would give him that extra boost of _yes, pain, I deserve pain_.

 

He didn’t really think it was healthy.

 

But he also didn’t really want to tell anyone.

  


Thursday lunches with the group started up again.

 

They would meet up, talk, laugh, enjoy themselves. And Jared would pretend that everything was fine.

  
Everyone thought he was getting better. They thought that the antidepressants were working, they thought that his suicidal thoughts were almost completely gone, they thought he was okay.

 

But none of that was true.

  


Christmas was coming up soon.

 

Which was. A thing.

 

Jared sort of. Zoned out throughout all of it. He thinks he got a pair of headphones. He thinks the group met up over break at some point. He thinks Alana shot him a couple concerned looks.

 

He doesn’t really remember.

 

And suddenly, second semester was starting up and by this point, Jared had worked his way up to drawing blood. There was a thin line, and a couple drops of blood trickled out, but it counted.   


He doesn’t know why it took him so long.

 

He doesn’t know why he’s such a pussy with this stuff.

 

He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

 

Maybe, there was nothing wrong and he was just being dramatic.

 

\--

 

It was almost Valentine’s day when Evan noticed.

 

They were having lunch. Alana was missing today, being stressed with a project.

 

It was just a small movement. One so small that Evan wondered if it ever really happened.

 

Connor said some sarcastic remark, making the whole table laugh. Evan just so happened to glance at Jared. Jared, whose laugh was undoubtedly forced. Jared, whose smile lasted for but an instant before flickering out. Jared, who discreetly snapped his hair tie against a red wrist, thinking no one would notice.

 

But Evan did.

 

Evan noticed. Evan saw him. Jared was teetering on the edge of a tree branch, trying to hang on but secretly wishing he could let go, and this time, Evan wasn’t going to let him fall.

 

The next day, when Jared walked in at around 3:00 after his class, Evan didn’t let him take two steps towards his room before speaking.

 

“Are you okay?”  
  
Jared froze like a deer in the headlights, and Evan had his answer.

 

Evan was up on his feet and across the room within a second. As gently as he could, he grabbed Jared’s wrists. And what he saw confused him.   
  
Because Jared’s arms had no new scars.

 

Evan looked up. “But . . . ?”

 

Jared yanked his hands away.

 

“There. You see? I’m _fine_. God, Evan, why can’t you just mind your own business? You’re so fucking annoying, just leave me alone!”

 

Evan flinched back, shrinking into himself.

 

“I . . . I--”  
  
Jared was already out the door.

 

Evan should’ve left it alone.

 

_God, Evan, you can’t do anything right._

 

He sat down.

 

And just.

 

Casually had a panic attack.

 

You know. Like you do.

 

Connor came home to find a tear stained Evan passed out on the couch.

 

\--

 

Connor was not happy.

 

He was not happy with a certain brunet.

 

Connor was so not happy that he was chasing after said brunet, running down the street, shoving people out of the way.

 

Maybe he was overreacting just a bit, but.

 

Jared Kleinman said some shit to Evan, and now Jared Kleinman was going to _pay_.

 

Connor found Jared at the library on campus.   
  
Connor found Jared in the back of the library on campus.

 

Connor found Jared in the back of the library on campus, slapping himself.  
  
Repeatedly.

 

Connor knew that he struggled with some shit, he _did_ go to hospital for swallowing pills, but..

 

This. Was new.

 

Jared was muttering to himself, and the closer Connor got, the more he could hear.

 

Connor. Connor didn’t really want to hear the words coming out of Jared’s mouth.

 

They sounded too much like his own mind.

 

They were hot, steaming with red acid and sprinkled with hatred.   


And. And Jared was crying, too. Big, ugly sobs. Jared looked like he was ready to die.

 

And.

 

Connor.

 

Just.

 

Hated it.

 

He came here to yell at and maybe punch Jared, but. He didn’t think he could, now that he saw this.

 

This was. Something that seemed too private.

 

Too intimate.

 

Too intimate for Connor, who had a significant other, to be intruding on.

 

But.

  
Connor felt like he should. Be there? He didn’t feel like he was supposed to leave Jared alone.

 

So, Connor stepped out from the bookshelf he was hiding behind.

 

Jared looked up at Connor and slapped himself once more, leaving a red mark on his cheek.

 

“There,” He said, wiping his eyes. “That’s what you came to do, right? Sorry, I already beat you to it.” It was probably aimed to be sarcastic, but it was the most pathetic thing Connor had ever heard.

 

And so, instead of hitting Jared, or yelling, or doing what he came to do, he sat down in front of him.

 

“Jared,” He said. Jared looked confused. “Evan was passed out on the couch when I got home,” Jared suddenly sat up straight, wide-eyed. “He was passed out from a panic attack.”  
  
Jared breathed out and slouched, looking relieved. Connor shot him a questioning look. “No, I-I mean, it’s not good that he had a panic attack, those aren’t fun, but when you said he passed out, I, uh, my mind went to a different place, is all.” When Connor realized what he meant, he shook his head.

 

“No, yeah, sorry, that was misleading. Evan is very much alive and healthy. He’s just. Shaken.” Jared nodded to himself. Connor felt awkward. “Anyway, he told me what you said.”  
  
The latter nodded. “I figured that’s why you followed me.”

 

Connor nodded. And Jared nodded back. There was too much nodding.

 

It was silent.

  
For. A long time.

 

“How long were you standing there?”

 

Connor looked up, eyes connecting with Jared’s. Connor hated eye contact. But. He couldn’t break away.

 

“Long enough.”

 

“Oh,”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What did you hear?”  
  
“A lot.”   
  
“Oh,”

 

“Yeah,”

 

Connor was still looking at Jared’s eyes.

 

Had they always been that sad?

 

Jared wasn’t looking away either.

 

They were close. Connor hadn’t noticed before.

 

But. They were. Really close.

 

Close enough to kiss.

 

And.   
  
Neither of them were moving.   
  
And.

 

Connor didn’t hate it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> youre welcome
> 
> ive realized that i quite enjoy the transition from jared being hot and bothered to jared being angsty
> 
> okokokok so i feel like i didn't write connor accurately during the hospital scene?? Like im pretty sure i wrote him like crying or something
> 
> but i don't think he would
> 
> he would probs cry if it was ev, but it was jared, and i think he would just be kinda. there.
> 
> anyway
> 
> fun fact: i don't know if ive said this yet, but i was originally going to have jared be autistic, but i realized that 1) i am not autistic and have no clue how to write an autistic character and 2) i feel like it wouldn't line up with the character i have for him now??? idk, maybe these are all symptoms of autism and i just didn't know. idk man, im not a psychaiatrist. don't listen to me.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back bitches

 

Two weeks came and went.

 

Connor didn’t look Jared in the eye.

 

Evan kept trying to look Jared in the eye.

 

And Jared? He didn’t _want_ to be looked in the eye.

 

These people, his friends, they had all looked him in the eye. They had all seen his soul. For god's sake, they were in the hospital with him after his  _ suicide attempt. _ They knew him, they knew his struggles.

 

And Jared just. Hated it.

 

He hated that he had let these people (his friends) look into his eyes. And they didn’t just look into, they looked straight through. They saw him, and he couldn’t stand it.

 

Vulnerability was a thing that Jared had always loathed. Why would anyone willing set their soul, their life, their heart, out for someone else to see?    
  
Some people called that trust.

 

Jared called it insanity. 

 

He didn’t want people to see his soul. His soul was tainted, cracked, distorted, downright confusing. No one should have to look at that. Jared sure as hell didn’t want to.

 

Two more weeks came and went. 

 

It was February.

 

And then, it wasn’t.

 

Jared was back to drawing blood. He had scars, but that was fine. No one would be looking at his thighs anyway.

 

Jared had once hated the feeling of being disconnected. Now, he didn’t care. He almost wished that he was more numb. Being numb was better than dealing with human emotions, right?

 

Right.

 

Jared wanted to die.

 

He realized this one night, trying to fall asleep.

 

He wanted to die.

 

Sure, everyone will be sad. Sure, Alana will scream at his grave. But they’d get over it. They’d move on.

 

All Jared needed was a plan.

 

\--

 

Alana was screaming.

 

Alana was screaming at a grave.

 

Alana Beck was screaming at Jared Kleinman’s grave.

 

It was 2:00 am.

 

It was too cold. It was too real. 

 

She didn’t even know what was coming out of her mouth, she just kept yelling and yelling and yelling. Hoping that Jared would hear her, and go back in time so that this wouldn’t happen. 

 

This couldn’t be happening.

 

Alana could  _ not _ be yelling at Jared’s grave right now.

 

No, like, she legitimately couldn’t be. Because Alana was pretty sure that Jared’s grave would  _ not _ be in front of a rollercoaster,  _ what the hell _ .

 

And that was when she woke up.

 

\--

 

Evan had been noticing things about Jared lately.

 

Like, for instance, how quickly he would always close the door behind him after coming home, like he was afraid of the outside world. How he would lean into touch that anyone gave him. Whether it was Alana squeezing his wrist, Zoe giving him a hug, Connor gripping his shoulder, or Evan tousling his hair. How he would smile widely when a joke was made, but then, as if suddenly remembering that he was supposed to be sad, shut down right away.

 

Evan had been noticing that he liked Jared’s smile.

 

It was. Nice.

  
Evan had also been noticing that Connor liked Jared’s smile a  _ lot _ more than he did.

 

If it had been anyone else, he would’ve freaked out, shut himself away, cried himself to sleep. 

 

But it was  _ Connor. _ And Evan knew that Connor was poly. 

 

And Evan knew that, despite what Connor might say, he was interested in dating Jared.    
  
From the looks of it, Jared was also interested.    
  
Was Evan comfortable with that?

 

His first thought was that he didn’t want Connor dating Jared. No, Evan did  _ not _ want Connor and Jared to date. No, not  _ without _ him.

 

And  _ holy shit. _

 

\--

 

Connor and Evan were going on a date this weekend.

 

And Jared had a plan. 

 

He didn’t want to go for the classic, slit wrists in the bathtub approach.

 

He didn’t want to swallow pills, the idea of choking on his vomit was too gross.

 

He was going to jump.

 

He was going to jump from the local bridge. 

The same one that he and Alana had stood at forever ago, promising not to jump.

 

A bit unfair?   
  
Sure. 

 

But life was unfair.

 

Jared didn’t really feel like himself.

 

Did he have a personality? 

 

He didn’t feel like an actual person.

 

He didn’t feel real.

 

\--

 

“You alright, babe? You’ve been acting weird all day,”

 

Alana looked up at Zoe, who was standing in the dimly lit doorway of their bedroom.

 

And she smiled. “Yeah, I’m good,”   
  
And the sickening anxiety in her stomach swallowed her whole.

 

\--

 

“Connor oh my god you’llneverguesswhatIjustrealized,”

 

“Whoa,” Connor laughed as Evan tackled him onto the couch.

 

And Evan kissed him messily but happily, laughing the whole time.

 

When the blond pulled back to look into Connor’s eyes, he smiled even wider.    
  
“I,” He paused, catching his breath. “I think I’m in love with Jared,”

 

And Connor just. 

 

Laughed. 

 

“Me too, Evan. Me too,”

 

\--

 

_ Why is it so goddamn cold in the middle of March _ .

 

That was Jared’s only thought as he trudged towards the Bridge.

 

And he felt lonely.

 

After over a month without emotions, Jared was suddenly lonely.

 

And it was. Nice.

 

He never thought that loneliness would be a nice feeling. But.

 

When it’s the only one you’re experiencing, it’s downright lovely.

 

He almost considered turning back.

 

_ No. I came here for a reason. _

 

So, Jared sat on a lonely bridge, and just.

 

Stared at the water.

 

\--

 

“Alana, seriously, what’s wrong?”

 

Zoe looked annoyed now.

 

Alana was quiet for a long time.

 

Before she said, softly, dimly, “I think Jared might attempt again.”

 

Zoe’s expression turned cold, determined. She picked up her jacket and started walking toward the door.

 

For a brief moment, Alana wondered what she did wrong. But then Zoe turned back to her and said, “Are you coming?”

 

\--

 

“Should we tell him?” Evan asked nervously.

 

Connor nodded. “When he comes back, we’ll talk to him.”

 

\--

 

“JARED!!!”

 

It was a desperate scream in the night. A plea, a prayer, a  _ dear god Jared please stop what you’re doing. _

 

And there she was, running towards him, tears tracing down her cheeks.

 

And Jared just.

 

Burst into tears.

 

Because his first thought was, 

 

_ Thank god, she’s come to get me. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW WAS THAT A ROLLERCOASTER OR WHAT
> 
> i'm really sad bc the fic is coming to an end =((((
> 
> but hey, i'll be writing more in the future!!! never fear!!!
> 
> fun fact: i rewrote this like 1038483 times oh my gosh


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wOW IM BACK HI
> 
> angstangstangst

Arms wrapped around a cold body. 

 

Jared couldn’t really feel them. 

 

Comforting whispers escaped the mouth of a terrified friend.

 

Jared couldn’t really hear them.

 

He was so, so afraid, because he  _ couldn’t feel.  _ Just two seconds ago he had been crying, and now he couldn’t even speak.

 

_ What a pussy. _

 

Alana lead him back to the car where Zoe was waiting anxiously. 

 

A silent car ride followed. Well, silent to him. He was sure that Zoe and Alana were trying to get him to speak, respond, anything. But he couldn’t.

 

He was gone.

 

Suddenly, he was at an apartment building, being lead through halls and up staircases. And then Evan and Connor were opening the door to him, and Alana was crying, and.

  
Jared’s just. Gone.

 

He couldn’t hear Alana as she explained what happened. He couldn’t feel Evan as he was wrapped in a hug. 

 

(he couldn’t feel the warmth and love that radiated through the hug.)

 

\--

 

Alana took him to a psychiatrist. 

 

The hallways were warm in the same way that doctor appointments were. Carpeted floors and childish wallpaper were spread around, as if they were trying to make patients feel better.

 

They didn’t.

 

Alana held his hand as they walked, muffled footsteps echoing. Everyone else offered to come, but Jared didn’t want them there. Not this time. 

 

Everything sort of sped up. It blurred out as Jared walked into the room, and the lady said something, and then said that Dr. Somethingorother would be in in a minute. 

 

And then an older woman was walking in, and she was smiling at Jared, and felt uncomfortable, and she was asking questions. Ones that Jared doesn’t remember answering, but he must’ve, because then she was smiling and telling him that he could pick up his medicine from the local pharmacist in two days.

 

And then they were walking out. And Jared did  _ not _ remember what just happened.

 

\--

 

Evan was worried.

 

Evan was worried out of his goddamn mind.

 

Jared hadn’t been eating.

 

He would push his food around on a plate for fifteen minutes before throwing it away.

 

Ever since Alana pushed him through their door on the night that they were going to confess to him, Evan had been worried sick (and that’s not a figure of speech, Evan actually had to run out in the middle of a class because he was worrying about Jared so much).

 

Connor and Evan decided to wait. Wait until Jared was better, and life was okay before confessing.

 

But, as Evan was realizing, that was harder than he initially thought.

 

On Tuesdays, Evan would drive Jared to therapy, because he had the car. On Fridays, the three of them would have movie nights. On Sundays, Jared would sleepily wander out of his room, still wearing pajamas. Evan started to stare at Jared a lot. He would stare at his eyes, or his hair, or the rare moments when he gave a genuine smile. He would stare like he wanted to memorize every curve and edge of Jared Kleinman. In a way, he did want exactly that.

 

Two weeks after the first psych visit, Jared went again. This time, however, Evan was the one walking him through the halls.

 

He didn’t go in, but when Jared came out, he said that he had been diagnosed. Finally.

 

Jared had been diagnosed with depersonalization/derealization. 

 

The way Jared explained it, it was like he was constantly drunk.

 

And Evan understood why. 

 

He understood why Jared wanted to die. He couldn’t feel anything, he was far away. Why would you want to live when you can’t feel anything?

 

And so, Evan took Jared back home. And they dealt.

 

\--

 

Connor was also worried. 

 

Connor was also trying to deal.

 

Connor also did not want to lose Jared.

 

And nobody really got that. Nobody understood that, yes, he cared about Jared, he wasn’t  _ in love _ with him, no, not yet, that doesn’t mean he didn’t care.

 

The apartment had been quiet lately.

 

Evan spoke in soft tones, not quite a whisper but not quite a mutter. Jared whispered, if he spoke at all. Which he didn’t. 

 

And Connor, Connor felt out of place.    
  
He was used to loud households. There was always noise. If there wasn’t talking, there was screaming. If there wasn’t screaming, there was music being blasted from the kids’ rooms. Whether it was Zoe or Connor, that was hard to tell. Even at night, there was street noise. They lived on a busy road, unlike the apartment.

 

Connor was just loud in general. He was loud with his speaking, his screaming, his walking, everything was loud. That’s just the way he grew up. He grew up loudly and forcefully, never once softly.

 

It felt like this whole thing was putting him in his place.

 

He was kind of losing hope.

 

This whole ordeal had just put a thin layer of gray over their entire lives. It was lonely.

 

It wasn’t until he came home from work one day, preparing himself for a silent night, and he saw Evan and Jared. Eating together, at the table. Looking happy.  
  
The sight of these two together and _happy_ _for once_ floored Connor. He saw Evan, his smile. He saw Jared, his _eyes_. Jared’s eyes were bright, and happy. The smile he wore wasn’t fake.

 

Connor joined them, and they had a quiet night. But, not a bad night. 

 

Maybe the quiet wasn’t so bad.

 

Maybe, even as Jared’s world was crashing down, and everyone was scrambling to keep his head above water, even as the world was just a little bit gray, there was still hope.

 

On that quiet night, as Connor stared at his two favorite boys in the whole world, the first bit of light was seeping through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey ya'll it's been a minute
> 
> i am so sorry this took so long
> 
> but here i be
> 
> unfortunately, the next update probs won't be for a while, as my creative juices are nonexistent rn.
> 
> fun fact: idk if i've said this yet, but in elizibethan england, a hoop skirt was called a farthingale.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI
> 
> IM SORRY I TOOK SO LONG AND IM SORRY THIS IS SO SHORT
> 
> BUT HERE I BE

Slowly, a little unsurely, Jared started to recover.

 

Evan and Connor were there for him whenever possible. Most days were okay, some were terrible. Some were amazing.    
  
The amazing days had Evan craving more. More of Jared, specifically.

 

Because on bad days, Jared would lock himself away, not speak at all, and barely ate. It wasn’t that Evan didn’t love sick Jared just as much as he loved healthy Jared, but sick Jared was harder to be around. As in, Jared would physically force Evan away from him because he didn't want people around.

 

God, he was fucked.

 

It hadn’t been this way since junior year of high school. Evan was always the one chasing after Jared, trying to get him to be his friend. Once they had rekindled their friendship, there was always a sort of unspoken . . .  _ thing _  where Jared chased Evan. Not vice versa.

 

But Evan didn’t really like that. Why couldn’t they chase each other?

 

_ That’s called a relationship, dumbass, _ His brain so kindly reminded him.    
  
But Evan wanted Jared to recover a bit more before they tried dating. He didn’t want Jared using him as a lifeline to get better. That wasn’t healthy. And, Evan wanted infinite health for all three of them.

 

So, for now, Evan was chasing after Jared.    
  
Which, honestly, wasn’t too bad.

 

It’s just that everytime Jared smiled, Evan would honest to god  _ swoon. _ And whenever Jared told a joke, Evan would burst into fucking  _ giggles _ . Evan hasn’t giggled since like, middle school. And Jared was probably starting to get suspicious, because he hadn’t acted like this since before he and Connor started dating.

 

Evan just wanted to kiss Jared already, dear god.

 

But then again, there was no promise that Jared liked him back. Or like either of them back, for that matter. If he did, then they could all be super gay together and live happily ever after.

 

Or something like that.

 

For now, however, the waiting game continued.

 

\--

 

Jared felt loved.

 

Just thinking that sentence made him want to cry because,  _ oh my god i’m loved _ .

 

He knew that these people cared about him, knew that they liked him, but  _ loved _ him? Too far fetched.

 

But, for what might have been the first time in his life, he felt deeply and truly loved.

 

And, wowowowow was that a nice feeling. 

 

It was just so  _ nice _ to walk into the apartment and call it home. To wrap Evan up in a hug after a long day. To smile at Connor from across the dinner table.

 

It was all just so, sososo very wonderful to know that he was appreciated and loved. Even if it wasn’t exactly in the way he wanted, for now, he felt happy. Content.

 

\--

 

A month passed. Jared and Evan grew closer. And Connor watched the whole thing with a pained smile.

 

It was just. Someone was going to have to talk to Jared and ask him, and it definitely was  _ not _ going to be Connor.

 

He would blush, he would forget his words, he would completely stop functioning whenever Jared looked at him. 

 

All because of a cute boy.

  
He hadn’t really been able to talk to Jared alone lately. Mainly because whenever Jared looked him in the eye it sent him into a full two minutes of silence. 

 

_ Dammit, Connor, this is why Evan tops you _ .

 

“Ev, babe, we’re gonna have to talk to him sooner or later. It’s getting painful to watch you guys,”

 

The blond in question frowned. “I want him to recover fully!”   
  


Connor sighed, frustrated. “He  _ is _ recovered! If not, he’s recovering! He doesn’t need to be 100% healthy in order to date someone.” Evan raked his fingers through his hair, inhaling.

 

“Okay,” He said, calming down. “Okay, let’s talk to him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wowowwowoww this is short
> 
> hi im back
> 
> fun fact: okokok so i went to nyc this past week and i saw school of rock and come from away and anastasia and wOW i love them all soooooo much ok they have rekindled my love for musical theatre and performance and now i think i want to move to nyc one day
> 
> also in case anyone's wondering or cares my pronouns are she/her =)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's done.
> 
> it's fucking done.
> 
> holy hell.

Jared had woken up feeling light, happy. Grounded.

 

It was nice, because usually he woke up feeling heavy and sad and floating away. 

 

But, on that sunny day in mid April, everything felt so vivid. So clear.    
  
He got home after his last class of the day, and Connor and Evan were both already there. (which was strange, but Jared didn’t pay it any mind)

 

As they ate dinner, Jared felt like himself again. He didn’t feel like some fake personality that he made to appease others, he felt like Jared Kleinman.    
  
It was a good day.

 

“Jared, Connor and I have something to tell you,” When Jared heard those words out of Evan’s mouth, it sent his stomach into a frenzy of  _ oh god are they kicking me out _ .

 

Because, well.    
  
He had been staying with them for way longer than intended. It was supposed to be temporary, so Jared figured this was it. This was what ruined his wonderful day.

 

Evan looked nervous. But somehow, Connor looked more nervous than the king of anxiety himself. Jared didn’t know what to do with that.

 

He swallowed. “Okay,” And so, they all sat on the couch, and Evan fixed Jared with this intense stare that had him thinking  _ what the hell is happening. _

 

And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, Evan said, with the most confidence Jared had ever heard. “It has come to my and Connor’s attention that we are both in love with you,”

 

And then the world went white, suddenly, too bright too bright but Jared didn’t care because what  _ the hell _ .

 

“Oh,” He said, barely processing anything because _what the shit_ _fuck holy hell fuck_.

  
  


And Evan continued, “We wondering if you felt the same way?”

 

And they were both looking at him. 

 

Suddenly the world snapped back into place as it sunk in and then--

 

And then Jared was launching himself at them and they were laughing in shocked surprised at the sudden hug and Jared was either sobbing or laughing.

 

“Yes,” He choked out, “ _ God _ , yes,”

 

\--

 

Alana got a phone call at 8:32 pm.

 

It was Jared.

 

“ALANA FUCK oh my god you’ll never believe--”

 

“Holy hell, slow down!” But she was laughing, and so was he, and when Zoe got home so was she, Alana just.

 

She was really happy that they finally got their shit together.

 

\--

 

Evan’s first kiss with Jared was.

 

Actually,  _ way _ better than what he had been expecting.

 

They were home alone, and things got heated fast, and before Evan knew it he was blowing Jared on their living room couch, and  _ wow _ did Jared make the most beautiful noises.

 

He told him that, afterwards, when they were cuddling.    
  
Jared had simply flushed red and told him to shut up.

 

\--

 

_ Connor’s _ first kiss with Jared was.

 

Actually,  _ really _ fucking hot.

 

Maybe it was because Evan was there and he was horny so he told them to “Just make out already I want my own gay porno,”

 

And,  _ jesus  _ had they given him that.

 

\--

 

But their relationship was a lot more than sex.

 

It was loving, it was caring, it was cliche, it was  _ healthy. _

 

It was every fucking thing that Jared had ever wanted. 

 

“Stop being so sappy, Jared,”   
  
“You love it, Connor,”

 

“I love  _ you _ ,”

 

“If you guys start making out I swear to god,”   
  
“Love you too, Ev,”

 

Jared grinned, content.

 

It all started with the first party of their freshman year of college.

 

_ Thank god for that. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I JUST WANT TO THANK EVERYONE WHO EVER COMMENTED OR GAVE KUDOS OR SUBSCRIBED OR BOOKMARKED OR WHATEVER BC WOWOWWOWWW THANK YOU
> 
> honestly this would've just ended up in my trash if not for you guys sooo thanks
> 
> (also quick shoutout to anyone who ever filled in the notes for their bookmarks, i do read those and they make me laugh so thanks)
> 
> ilysm
> 
> i can't believe it's over wow
> 
> alright
> 
> cool
> 
> love you
> 
> thanks for reading
> 
> fun fact: i don't think this is all that great. there are definitely good parts of it, but the whole thing could be better. this was my first time writing these characters so if you don't like how i wrote someone keep in mind that i probably don't like the way i wrote them either. k. ly
> 
> byyyyeeeeeee


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